A Song of Fire and Ice
The last fortnight has been challenging. My stress levels were getting higher and higher, my abilty to focus was getting lower and lower. I had hit burnout. Burnt out is a really apt description of how I felt. On high alert constantly and unable to switch off but so, so tired that I couldn’t make a decision. Any decision. I felt like a match that has been struck and blazed down quickly. I was hollow and ready to disintegrate to ash. At the same time I was wrestling with this idea that I had to be all the things to everyone and that I couldn’t let everyone down. If I am really honest I was also keeping myself busy to avoid that feeling of the overwhelm engulfing me. It was all very intense and I did feel like I was walking through fire. My physical and mental health was suffering and eventually I just couldn’t keep going. I had to accept that I needed to stop.
It took a week for me to be able to regulate my nervous system enough to be able to uncoil and just rest. During that period I didn’t write and couldn’t read. I could, however, listen to audiobooks and walk - which I have done a lot of. The next step was to really look at where my energy goes and what I am doing that helps me or adds to the frenetic pace. Had I put too much pressure on myself with the writing course and my novel? Possibly. I reached out to my tutor who was wonderful and reminded me that there is no deadline. I can go at my own pace. I also know that writing is a creative outlet for me and disappearing into my fictional world helps. I remembered how much I enjoy writing. So I took an honest look at my habits and coping strategies and realised that there are things that need to change. The truth is that my job is stressful and life is busy, those things won’t change, so how I respond to it needs to.
Alongside addressing some of the big stressors at work there are some obvious changes I need to make to my lifestyle to really help myself. My diet could be better, I need to exercise more consistently and give myself time to rest and recover. It was then I was introduced to the idea of cold water therapy. I had conversations with two friends who both regularly sit in tubs of very cold water and swear by the benefits of it. Well, I thought, I live in Scotland, it is flipping cold a lot of the time so maybe this is something I can do. I did some research (listening to podcasts and audiobooks by Wim Hof and Dr Susanna Soberg) then started with cold showers each morning. They were horrible but I did feel energised afterwards. From there I bought a cold pod (a nylon tub that you fill with cold water and/or ice) and set it up in the back garden.
The first morning it was sleeting, the outside temperature was 2 degrees and the water was 7. My ever-supportive husband agreed to supervise my first plunge in case I became unwell, or worse, couldn’t get out. I emerged from the house in my swimsuit and sliders followed by my husband dressed like Scott of the Arctic in jacket, gloves and bobble hat. I composed myself, took a deep breath and stepped in. With the out-breath I sat down, submerged to my shoulders and resisted the urge to swear. After 30 seconds I got my breathing under control and opened my eyes to the view of the snow-capped Ochils. This would have been a wonderful moment of tranquillity were it not for Scott of the Arctic saying repeatedly and loudly variations on a theme of:
“You are nuts, absuolutely nuts. I’m cold out here. Get out before you freeze to death”
It was cold but oddly when I got out of the pod I didn’t feel it. I’d managed a minute and a half and I felt awake and alert. By the time I had dried off and dressed I was full of energy. I even managed to focus to write for 30 minutes which in turn helped me feel like I had accomplished something. To get the benefits of cold water therapy it should be gradual exposure and building up to about 11 minutes per week (across multiple plunges). I’m going to try up to 3 minutes a session for now and in typical Scottish style have experienced a variety of weathers.
I thought long and hard about if I should share this blog post because it makes me feel raw and vulnerable. In the end I decided that I would because I always wanted this blog to be an honest reflection and record of my experiences as a writer. There will be highs and lows.
Image credit: @courtniebt13
