Watering the Garden

The last couple of weeks have been really hectic and I was finding it hard to get into any kind of creative flow. I was tired, anxious and couldn’t settle down to anything. Even reading was a huge effort. I read to escape into a different world and so when that isn’t working I know I’m out of balance. Something needed to give.

In the past I would have ‘powered through’ and forced myself to keep going. I believed it was ‘earning my stripes’ and what was expected of me. In education, there is a very unhealthy and unhelpful culture of equating how stressed we are and how many hours we work to how ‘good’ a teacher we are. Burnout is a badge of honour. I used to call the leadership equivalent of that the ‘Headteacher Olympics’ until I learned that it is only a game if you choose to compete. Just staying focused on my pupils, my school and my team was hugely liberating. Yet here I was again, feeling completely overwhelmed. My mind starting to spiral into panic about all the things I had to do.

When I decided to write a novel I knew it would be challenging at times to fit everything in. This week, however, I learned that there are times when I can’t make it all work. I also knew that this was in my control to change. I needed to stop trying to do more and step back. Letting go of expectations is still uncomfortable for me - I have spent so long measuring myself against other people’s standards - but it was actually my expectations of myself that were the problem here. So I took a step back and put it all down. I had a few days off work for the February break, I let myself take a week away from the ‘doing’ to focus instead on the ‘being’.

I have had a lovely week spending time with friends, I’ve rested, spent time meditating and journaling. I treated myself to another new book (I know, I know…), set aside an afternoon to indulge myself and sat down with a cup of tea and a blanket to read it. The next thing I knew it was dark outside and the tea was stone cold. The fiest time in weeks I had been able to lose myself in a story. Then having given myself time to recover I found I had more clarity for my own writing. I’ve had breakthrough in plotting out Project Pearl and the writing is flowing more easily.

I needed to pause and to slow down. I needed to water the garden.

Photo Credit Daiga Elleby